Agony

“Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt. Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.”

As much as I wanted to tell you these things, I would rather not to. First, I don’t wanna be a burden to you anymore. I don’t want you to feel guilty. I don’t want to see you crying. I know you’re carrying too many things nowadays and I don’t wanna be like them. Like them that makes you sad.. Second is, I don’t think I could trust you anymore.. I don’t think I could still have that confidence in you like I used to have during those days that I was so sure that I am your best friend, that I was very certain that you are trusting me like I do.

 

You know what’s hard? I can’t cry.. I can’t cry when all that I wanted to do is to cry. From the very moment you spill the news to me, I could feel my heart frozen. I don’t know how to react but still I have managed to make you feel, others feel that everything’s okay. But it wasn’t because I’m not. I thought of Regine.. I want to be with her, cry and just forget the world. I swear I am craving for her hug that day, the next day, the next next day after that day.. And I still do today.

 

Whenever I am with the group, I acted happy. Of course I am happy. I tell you, those laughs were true. But my mind keeps on taunting me about those two months. THOSE TWO FREAKING MONTHS!! There were times, I am asking myself, if I didn’t asked you out that Friday, will you tell me? I keep reminding myself and recalling what I was doing during those times? Am I too busy? Am I too preoccupied? Am I? That it came to a point that you never said a single word? Is it that hard to trust me? Is it?You might tell me that you are just afraid that I might accidently tell it to others. But have you not thought that doubting is a manifestation of not having trust at all?

 

I told Gladys that I feel like I am Reid and you’re Jennifer of Criminal Minds. Like her, you don’t have the decency of telling me the truth. Like Reid, what you did broke me.

 

I tried to understand you. I never ask. I never did because I know that you would just tell me eventually. I never pressure you because I know people around you keep on doing that. I never forced you because I know you trust me enough to tell me about it first. I didn’t do anything but it doesn’t mean that I do not want to.

“Best friends won’t keep secrets.” “Best friends are meant to be forever.” “Best friends never hide.”—I don’t understand if it’s me or just my definition of ‘best friend’ but this happening taught me so well. It made me realized that maybe, we’re close but we aren’t best friends.

 

We used to, we weren’t now.

 

P.S.

And now, I don’t know if I could just let you read this. I’m afraid that others might know about this. You might let them read this as well. I can’t handle another disappointment.

Letters To No One

Your Best Friend

Dear my ever mutual friend,

This past few days, I have been observing you. I saw you staring at nothing. Looking so serious. Makes me think that there might be something that’s bothering you.

I heard that you and your best friend had a misunderstanding. A thing that is very normal in any relationship — the “J” thing. Well at least for the girls. I never expected that it was happening with you guys. I mean, I’m such a sexist. Sorry for that. But that’s adorable.

And so I asked you. I decided to begin with a confirmation if you two really had a fight. You said maybe yes, maybe not. You told me that you think he’s no longer your best friend. You told me that it was nicer to be independent. I replied it with a question,

“Bakit dependent ka ba sa kanya?”

You answered, “Basta, hindi mo ko maiintindihan. Mahirap iexplain.”

It hits me.

That moment, I wanted to tell you that I do. I really do.

The feeling that you used to have someone who knows you every now and then, then all of a sudden, he’s gone. The feeling of being so much alone, you felt that you weren’t belong to anyone and anywhere. The feeling that no matter how much you wanted to get involved, you find it so hard to make a way to. The feeling that the person you expected the most to be around for always is nowhere to be found. He’s with others. You’re alone. You overthink things and it’s killing you. Then he’ll say sorry. You’ll be mad coz it just making you feel worst.

Now tell me, how will I won’t be able to understand you?

These things are not new to me. People come and go. I got myself attached. And then, when they’re leaving, it’ll hurt you like hell.

Remember the night that I sent a group message saying,

“The feeling that you can’t tell anyone coz they might think that this is lame. They might think that I am being pathetic again. They might think that I am overreacting. Well, they don’t know how much pain it caused me. How much tears did I cried. How much sigh did I burst out. They don’t know coz they don’t know the feeling of being left behind.”

I tell you, that’s one of my darkest nights. I felt that there is no one that could understand me. Some people would tell that you’re ego is dominating you. Some people would tell that you’re hard to figure out. But I want you to know that I got you. I told them that they have to understand things. They don’t know how it feels like to be in your shoes.

I know I should have told you these things but I am afraid that you don’t want to hear these from me. We are not that close, that’s why. It so happen that I cared for you.

It may be odd to say but since the day that I’ve learned that you and you’re best friend is not okay, I prayed for you. Somehow I saw myself in you. But when my best friend and I talked about it, I’d realized some things.. Best friends are one of the most amazing people on earth. Sometimes we feel that that they don’t care about us. Sometimes, they seem not to be interested in us. Sometimes they’ll choose to make a step away. Sometimes they’ll make friends with others. But it doesn’t mean that they’ll be away for good. They were always here. Beside us. Waiting for us to talk. Waiting for us to say things that keep on running in our minds. We should believe that they’ll stay. We should believe that they’ll never leave us. We should believe in our best friends for they are unexceptionally understanding. Like waht i have told Hazel, “It’s all in the mind..”

I don’t know if you would be able to read this but I hope you would. I was beyond happy that you and you’re bestfriend were finally okay. You have talked and fixed everything. I know how it feels like reconciling with your best friend and it seems like your relationship with each other becomes stronger. It was an answered prayer indeed.

So, whenever you feel these things again someday, let me tell you that do not tolerate that feeling. Talk to him and settle things.