100% Fangirl

Tongue-Tied Over 873 Words

ASDFGHJKL!!!! ♥ *speechless* I could cry.

Love Letters of Peach

Actually, I was not supposed to reply to your 873-word blog in the fear that the reply would not reciprocate what you really felt towards my stories. Though, I had read your blog which listed your favorite stories where your top 5 were all written by me. I could not help but write something for you.

Thank you. I knew you were one of the first readers of my WordPress ever since I created this account. I think you were the first? Or the second? I have no idea how you make time to read my blogs and stories, but I appreciate it. People like you inspire me to inspire more. Thank you.

Sorry if this was all I got. Again, thank you.

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100% Fangirl

Xvisionist

Summer, 2012.

The time that I had my first Android phone – a birthday gift from my brother. That was also the time when I got myself hooked in reading stories. My sister’s friend sent us a copy of a story entitled, 548 Heartbeats by Peachxvision. Yay! I love it! Just the moment that I had finished reading it, I already considered it as my favorite ever! Not knowing that her other stories were as lovable as 548 HB was.

Days after, my sister’s friend sent us again another story, and this one called – Tossed Coin. Turning my world upside down with all the twists in this story. Who would ever thought that Jet would be the one for Chi? It was obviously a romantic war between the first love and true love. And somehow, many couldn’t just help but got related with the plot of this story. I guess, after reading Tossed Coin, I just have found myself surfing the internet, looking for her Facebook page, Twitter, Multiply and Teentalk accounts. I have known that she had also A Miracle and 22nd of April. During that time, This is Not A Love Story is still on-going and also Siya. I remember myself reading TNLS over and over again from the very beginning whenever there’s an update. I’ve literally memorized every Jappa’s line on it which makes him adorable and somehow makes me wish to have someone, to have someone like Jappa in my life. Someone who would honestly tell you what you need to hear and not just what you wanted to hear. Geez. Haha. If you have read my post here in WordPress entitled Hopeless Romantic, you’ll get what I mean.

I was really happy reading her stories. Sending nostalgic feeling over me. My high school life and the people that I have met back then. I also start liking Santan because of her. I remember how Xei and Chi loves Santan. How the Battle of the Bands went on. How Xai loves becoming a teacher someday. How Jappa points out CJ that she could get over with Wayne. How Nathan loves Mary. How badly Mary wants to cry. How emotional the song Tears in Heaven was. How pathetic CJ was whenever Wayne Agapito didn’t reply her text messages. How Kurt taken April for granted until he realized how much he loves her. How stuck Aiden was by the memories of Lenlen. How confused Chi was and assuming at the same time. Lol. And most of all, how every character of her stories learned how to love unconditionally. How to love someone without asking something in return.

I have read everything on her blog. And I guess, one of my favorites are Emotional Masochist, The House, Confession of A Public Teacher, Fiction Story, Inbox Message, Laplace Transforms, The Child Inside, Would You and most especially, Happy 2nd Anniversary. I swear. That was the sweetest. I can’t help but smile while reading latter. I mean, she did really remember everything! I love it.

I remember whenever a friend ask me what story is worth reading, I would immediately tell her to read 548 HB, TNLS, Tossed Coin, A Miracle, 22nd of April, Siya, Gaku and everything that Ate Jess will be doing. I’m not really a fan, am I? Haha

I have learned a lot of things because of her, because of her stories. And somehow, knowing her is like knowing myself. I felt like she was a friend. Her sentiments are my sentiments. Her pain is my pain. Her song is my song. Her love is my love. She really know the words. Because of her, I have been inspired writing in a blog (and having an account here in wordpress actually). I have been inspired also writing a story (that’s still on-going, I tell you. Haha) I have known the difference between in every ist – masochist, sadist, conformist, sexist and everything. I have been inspired to become a vocalist lead guitarist of one all-girl group band. Obviously, she’s an inspiration! If you were my friend, I can tell you that you might know her because of me, because apparently, I love telling stories about her to my friends.

That’s why, it saddened me a lot when she deleted all her accounts last January, and beyond happy when she revive them again last August. And last September 14, it tore me apart when I wasn’t able to meet her that day. One, because, I have a class. Second, even if I have no class that day, I still can’t because I’d rather go to church (Saturday is our worship day, I don’t have a choice but to attend school every Saturday that’s why I only get the chance to go church whenever there is). I am just really hoping that, that day wouldn’t be the last day. I want to meet her badly. Have pictures with her and talk to her. Such a fangirl huh?

I guess, I will be forever a fan. Until the day, she and Kuya JP get married. Until, I have found my own Jappa.

By the way, if I would get the chance to say this Ate Jess, I would tell you this..

You’re beautiful, just the way you are.

Christian Life

Goodbye, Old Self

One day I met Jesus and He helps me understand
Life on earth without Him makes me lonely makes me scared
He changed my life completely
Changed my dark nights into days
He pour His grace upon me and He told me to follow Him
To follow Him and obey

Goodbye, goodbye
It’s hard to say goodbye
My old dreams and desire I left behind
Jesus gives another way to take
Another way to live
Goodbye old self

He told me to follow Him and to give up everything
Give up all my hopes and dreams
And put my trust on Him
It’s hard for me to nod my head
And say yes to my Savior’s call
But then I remember on the cross of Calvary
He was nailed to die for me

Goodbye, goodbye
It’s hard to say goodbye
My old dreams and desire I left behind
Jesus give another way to take
Another way to live
Goodbye old self

Four-Letter-Word

Dead Stars

Fixed marriage.

A boy and a girl were tied by the knot of fixed marriage. Though, they don’t love each other, they can’t just get out from that miserable arrangement. They don’t have a choice. So the least thing that they could do is to be with each other.

Unconsciously, the girl just found herself falling for the guy. She just can’t fight it. But things just become more complicated because the guy loves another girl. The girl thinks that whether the guy would know about her feelings or not, it won’t change the fact that the guy loves someone and he can’t love her back. The guy and the other girl used to see each other often. But since they were both compromised by the arrange marriage, the guy just can’t leave the girl alone. He made a choice that would definitely left his heart broken. He left the other girl. He stayed by his wife’s side.

Years later.

Who would have thought that the guy will be in love with his wife? Yes. They now love each other. They seem happy with each other’s loving arms.

One day, the guy met the other girl. After long years, they meet again. With no words spoken, the guy felt confused. At that moment, he got confused by his feelings. His heart skip a beat when his eyes lay upon the other girl and flashes of memories with her just came back rapidly. And somehow, he missed the feeling.

And then, he thought he still love her.

He didn’t know what to do. He loves his wife very much but she can’t just handle the feelings that the other girl brought to his veins. He can’t stop thinking about her. About the what if’s. About the things that they would probably doing if their still together. It feels like a lifetime torture. He never wanted to hurt his wife’s feelings.

Then, realizations hit him. He might still love the other girl. Or maybe the memories that they’ve shared but not the person herself.

But he loves her wife very much. He was in love with his wife.

“I love you” is different from “I’m in love with you” – am I right?

***

Have you heard about the dead stars?

According to Mr. Webster, stars are fixed luminous point in the night sky that is a large, remote incandescent body like the sun. They were basically travel through thousands of light years. And as they travel through these thousands of light years, stars gone dead. Before they could reach their destination, they were dying.

Many of us were fascinated by the beauty of stars, but, in reality, the beauty itself is not there anymore. The light that they possess remains when they died. That’s the very reason why we think they were still there, shining so bright and feels so alive – even if they weren’t any longer.

Just like in this story – in love.

Sometimes when we saw the person that we previously loved, we got confused. Our heart raced. Memories keep on flashing. Questions running into our minds. And the worst is we’re ending up making wrong decisions. Letting go the person that we love in the present and everything. But it was purely absurd. We must not let our hearts overrule us, because our hearts get easily deceived. In times like this, we were blinded by the memories that we’ve shared with them. The promises that we have made. That promise of loving each other till the very end. We were blinded by the idea of love. We sometimes thinks it was love when in fact, we were just in love by the idea of being love.

Just like the stars, we generally think that they were still there, so near, yet they were not. They were all just dead stars.

Thanks to Dale’s friends, Jez and Ivan for sharing these thoughts. Making me realized something. Ooooops, I know, someone can also relate herself with this. Hello, Regine! Hahaha 😀

Letters To No One

“Pwede ba kitang i-hug?”

Saturday.

I arrived at home from school around 7:30 pm. Few minutes after, my sister came. She told me that Dale borrowed a mobile Wi-Fi from our church mate so that she could finish doing her assignments, projects and everything. Then, I decided to come to their house and spent the night there. Not just because I would afford to have an internet connection but also I wanted to see her, I miss her though. I just remember what my sister told me, “Matutuwa si Dale pag dun ka natulog.”

Before I could step into their house, I saw her coming from somewhere. “Bakit?” – the first thing she told me when she saw me. “Nakakaamoy ako ng wi-fi. Haha.” I replied. Then she frowned. I felt that she got irritated. She grimaced. Making faces. She’s telling something. She doesn’t want me to stay there. I was dumbfounded. But then, I tried my best not to look like I wasn’t expecting it. I look straight, then I told her, “Hindi naman ako manggugulo.” I felt my eyes starts to water. I faced my back to her before tears filled my eyes. Part of me wanted to just flee away and went home. But part of me wanted to stay. I don’t want my night to ruin. Thinking that this night might not work but it doesn’t matter as long as she won’t know that somehow I felt sad.

I was close to go upstairs when she told me to stop. “Dito ka muna.”,she said. So, I stopped. I faced her. Then she started crying. I tried my very best not to cry too. I asked her why. She told me she didn’t know. She’s sad. Maybe because she’s sort of stressed regarding school matters. “Sorry. Sorry, kasi baka feeling mo ayaw kita dito. Sorry naging ganun reaksyon ko. Kasi, bakit ngayon pa? Minsan nga lang kita makasama tapos hindi ko pa ma-eenjoy kasi madami akong gagawin.” Then, I cried. I couldn’t speak. Minutes ago, I told myself that I don’t want to tell her that I got disappointed by her reaction coz I don’t want her to feel sad and feel guilty about it. But I told her anyway. “Sabi pa naman ni Gladys matutuwa ka daw nandito ako tapos, ganun.” Telling those words to her was way too hard coz i am crying and I’m trying to compose myself. We just stared with each other and cried. It was magical. Lol.Crying at the end of the stairs.

“Tara, akyat na tayo.” I told her.

“Pwede ba kitang i-hug?”

 

 

 

Then I hug her tight.

Feelings

Just A Feeling

I just wished that this feeling would go;
Regain myself to someone I know.
Coz it’s hard to admit that I’m dying for this,
That in your world, I want to exist.

I have been devoted in denying that this is love;
Coz if I do, I might fall too hard.
“it’s just a feeling, just a feeling’
Just like the song keep on saying.

You talk to my friends and never to me.
You laugh with my friends and never with me.
I don’t know if it’s just me or there’s something;
Or you just don’t like me having this feeling.

It hurts me more when it seems that you can’t see me.
I can’t come into your world, there’s a boundary.
Yeah, I know. This is so much depressing,
The fact, that I’m thinking it more than my subject Auditing.

I always tell myself that “It’s okay”
Even if the feeling’s not mutual, I won’t have a bad day.
For I am very aware where this is leading,
There is no YOU and I. No US to begin with anyway.

PS: Happy one year, feelings! Haha 😀

Letters To No One

Before I Die

We never know when we will die. I mean, no one knows. Really. But the truth is, there are many things in this world that I wanted to do, I wanted to have and I wanted to become before I die. And I want you to know some of them..

13. Learn how to ride a bike; I envy my friends for they really good on it. I pity myself for having such a boring childhood back then. Haha. I remember when I was little, I told my mom that if I got an honor on school, she have to buy me a bike so that I could learn how to ride on it. Gratefully, I got an honor, but unfortunately, I haven’t got my bike. Until now, at this very moment that I am writing this, I still want to have my own bike.

12. Learn how to swim; I once told myself that if I would learn how to swim, I will survive. Yes, I consider this as a necessity. My imaginations has been haunting me that what if, I’m on a ship, and suddenly it sank, what will happen to me if I didn’t know how to swim? And what if, a tragedy happens, a Tsunami.. How am I going to survive if I wasn’t capable of holding my breath under the sea? So, whenever there are chances that I know I would be able to learn how to swim, I am taking it. Once and for all, I want to survive from whatever that might happen in the future.

11. Go hiking with my friends and church mates; I bond most of my time with my friends and church mates, but sad to say that hiking wasn’t included in all those times. I have slept with them. Camp with them. Travel with them. Swim with them. Watch movie with them. Sing with them. Eat with them. Laugh with them. Cry with them. Know Jesus with them. Almost everything! And there’s one thing I wanted the most right now—I want to go hiking with them!

10. Learn how to play guitar, piano, violin and drums; I admire people who know how to play all these things. I mean, it’s not necessary all in one person. And I wanted to be someone that I admire the most. Well, I know how to play guitar but wasn’t enough for me to consider it great. I know one piece playing piano. And let me tell you this, I have a long-time crush ever who was a genius in playing violin. And it was the cutest side of him that I adore. Haha. And, lastly, I think playing drums would be cool! Haha.

9. Be a member of an all-girls band!; Oha! Obviously, I am so much in love with music. I love singing. Enough that I can see myself singing in front of many people with my own band. I could be the vocalist, the guitarist or the drummer! Yea. I’m excited thinking about it. Haha. Awesome, right?

8. Travel around the world; I want to explore. I want to go in different places such as London, for I want to be in the same place where Zayn, Liam, Louis and Harry began. I love Niall big-time that’s why I want to go to Ireland as well! Pennsylvania and Nashville, where Taylor Swift used to live in many years of her life. I want to go to China and visit the Great Wall. Take a picture with myself in Eiffel Tower in Paris. Israel, where God’s chosen people lived thousands of years ago. Korea, Australia, Japan, Singapore, Thailand, Italy and so many others. But most likely, before anywhere else in this world, I want to enjoy first the beauty of my mother land—Philippines!

7. Meet the best five lads in the world—One Direction!; You can tell it with yourself that I am a Directioner! I love them until now for more than a year. Their songs, their voices, their looks, their personalities, their brotherly love with each other, everything about them are adorable! I love each one of them differently. I mean, if you ask me whom I love the most among them, I won’t give you an answer for I love them all. I love them individually. You might call it odd, but I really do include them in my prayers. I guess, meeting them in person would be one of the amazing things that could ever in my life.

6. Meet the drop-dead gorgeous lady—Taylor Swift!; Just like with One Direction, my love for Tay is unexplainable. But I can say that I am a Swiftie more than a Directioner. A fact can prove it that whenever there’s a fan-voted awards that both of them were nominated, I would choose to vote for Tay. Haha. I love her for being so real. For somehow her songs speak for what I’m feeling. She knew the words. Really. That’s why whenever people are mocking her, calling her names, I can’t help but get hurt also. Whenever some Directioners send hates to her, I am one of the first person that gets affected. (and vice versa). I feel that she’s a friend. Though, we’re miles away, it doesn’t change the fact that I love her. That’s the very reason why I want to meet her, hug her, watch her concert live and have a picture with her. Haha

5. Get a house and earn a living for my parents; I think the main reason why most of us went to school, study well, and work so hard is to become ‘someone’ in their family. Most of us wanted to have something to give with our parents someday. Since I was a child, we’re always like moving to one place to another. Renting a small house that would be enough with a family with eight children. And I guess, I have told it to myself a hundred times that when I grow up, I will buy them a house so that there’s no need for us to rent.

4. Become a Certified Public Accountant; Every Accounting students dreamt of being a CPA. This would be the peak of our success. I can’t wait for the day that I will see my name in a list of the CPA board passers. I love accounting. It’s just that, sometimes I am very much encourage to study but most of the times, negative thoughts been chasing me. The fear that I wouldn’t be able to make it. Well, who knows what might happen in the future?

3. Find my true love, get married and have my own family; I am 19 years old. No boyfriend since birth. What on earth am I thinking of these things, when I don’t even have a boyfriend? I hardly believe that there’s really someone who were born for me. I mean, it sounds cheesy, but I am a great believer of a-relationship-in-God’s-appointed-time. I do have a crush.. well, you might call it close to “love”, but I know, God has a better plan for me more than I had for myself. That even if that certain person won’t love me the same way I did to him, I won’t mind, for I know, my story is not for me to predict, not for me command. My fate is not in my hand. My love story is not written by me, it is written by God. Someday, I will bump into someone I know or someone I didn’t, look into each other’s eyes, and then boom! The next thing I would know is we’re getting married. Haha. Exactly, God really does in mysterious way.

2. Drew my loved-ones unto Jesus’ feet; The probability that you have read my previous blogs, you would know how desperate I am to have my family worship God altogether in Sabbath. My parents are Catholic. One of my greatest dreams in life is to be an instrument of Christ for them to be closer to Him. I want to witness a miracle through them. Every night, I always include them in my prayers. I will constantly do it until the word “prayer” doesn’t exist anymore.

1. Lastly, I want to have a heart that only seeks Jesus; I have been unfocused. I have been distracted. I have been blinded by the worldly pleasure. I am a sinner. I’ve always wanted that kind of conviction in my heart where the only thing that I would be longing to do is to seek Jesus. God loves me so much that He would do everything to me. That He would give His only Son for my salvation. And I want to have that kind of love in my heart.

Death is not really what I am feared of. I am more afraid of not doing things that I should have done before I die. With no regrets at all.

P.S.
And if you have patiently read all of these, thanks to you. And maybe, I think, you could help me in accomplishing all of them.

Letters To No One

Happy Mother’s Day! ♥

Mama! ♥

Carried me in her womb for nine months and continuously taking care of me for more than nineteen years—-Mama.

I will forever be thankful to God for giving me a privilege of being her daughter. I admire her a lot. For her perseverance, her determination and for loving me and my other seven siblings unconditionally.

The Bible points out that parents are the stewards of God on His sons and daughters. In the book of proverbs, it says..
“Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

My mother was excellent in referring to this verse.. She may not be the perfect mother. She may not be the ideal mother. She may not be the kind of mother that you can watch and read in all the dramas.. But ‘ideal’ is ‘ideal’, I could say that my mother is more of ‘real’.

She commits mistakes. She cries. She gets tired. She nags. She punishes. She demands. She screams. She gets angry. But in all of that, I am proud to say that she never gives up.

When she felt like she’s close to giving up, she’ll pray.

Yes. She doesn’t have the same religion as mine. But there’s no big deal with that. I’d learned how to respects each other’s religion because of her.

Our house is not just a house. It’s a home. We don’t have a perfect mother-daughter relationship but I know by heart that we love each other so much.

Words are not enough how much I treasure her as a mother. Whenever I am afraid, next to God, she’s the one that I am calling. For I know, she will be the one who’ll never think-twice in helping. In showing her love. In taking care of me.

It might be odd, but I seldom can say to her those three words but obviously as I write this one, what I am feeling now is beyond those three words.

I know some time, some day.. It will happen that you will read this Mama. Just like what Taylor’s song ‘The Best Day’ said..

“Now I know why all the trees change in the fall. I know you were on my side even when I was wrong. And I love you for giving me your eye. Staying back and watching me shine and I didn’t know if you knew so I’m taking this chance to say, that I had the best day with you today.”

Christian Life

Wake Up Call

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less. We buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families. More conveniences, but less time, we have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge but less judgment, more experts yet more problems, more medicines but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talked too much, love too seldom and hate too often.

We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life not life to years. We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We’ve done larger things but not better things.

We’ve cleaned up the air but polluted the soul. We’ve conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of too incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are the days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the shower room window and noting in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete…

Remember: Spend more time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember: say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember: Give a warm hug to the next one to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn’t cost a cent.

Remember: To say “I love you” to your partner and your loved ones. But most of all, mean it. akiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember: To hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be ther again.

Give time to love, give time to speak. And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

And always remember, life is not measured by the number of breathe you take but by the moments that take our breathe away.

***

The moment that I have read this letter, realizations hit me.

We were fed up for a kind of life that we are living. Living a life with no contentment. We want something. We do something. Yet we don’t really understand what are those really for.

We are living a life in a routine way then suddenly we have forgotten what brought us here. Why we are here. What are we living for.

I remember from a movie–Facing The Giants, Coach Taylor said..

“The more I read this book [Bible], the more I realized life is not about us. We’re not here just to get glory, make money and die. The Bible says that God put us here for Him, to honor Him. Jesus said the most important thing you could do with your life is to love God with everything you are and love others as yourself….. He sent His son Jesus to die for us so we could for Him. That’s why we’re here.”

See? We all know what’s the right thing to do, yet we don’t actually doing our best effort to make it.

We are busy making a life—our career, our profession, our riches yet the an endless riches that God offered to us have taken for granted by us.

If only we commit our lives to Him. If only we spend every single days of our lives honouring and glorifying His precious name. If only..

But words are just easier to say than to do. But nothing is impossible if we choose to draw ourselves to Him. Nothing is impossible if we constantly praying for a change of heart. A heart that only seeks Him. Worship Him. Serve Him… Love Him.

This whole ‘thing’ is a reminder for us that life is so much precious. Given to us by the most Loving God. I know we can make it!

We can, not only by ourselves but with the guidance and love of God.

All these things, I pray in Jesus name,

Amen.