Letters To No One

Everything I Didn’t Say

I’ve been through a lot of times where I would just found myself in a deep thought.. in an-almost-crying face. I want to scream, to be angry, to stay angry, to curse and to stop myself from breathing. As if breathing means slowly killing myself. As what I always telling myself, “Cry and forget the world.” That’s what I wanna do, to cry. But I can’t..

And now, I am stranded with those lot-of-times.

My family, we, are currently living in one of the darkest times of our lives. The electricity has been cut for ages, the water supply is off also, we haven’t paid the house rental in who-knows-how-many-months, and my parents’ long list of debts seems endless. Even last holiday, we clearly see that there is no one that we could count on. Everybody seems so distant, so cold.

“Pakiramdam ko, walang nakakaintindi sa’ten.”, my sister once told me. The exact same thing that keeps on repeating in my mind. I don’t know, but every single day makes me not wanting to trust people. I am too afraid to see the doubts on their faces, I am too afraid of being neglected.

I am sulking every night thinking about all these things. I don’t want to see my parents hurting. I want this to end. I want us to be okay..

I want me to be okay.

Letters To No One

Your Best Friend

Dear my ever mutual friend,

This past few days, I have been observing you. I saw you staring at nothing. Looking so serious. Makes me think that there might be something that’s bothering you.

I heard that you and your best friend had a misunderstanding. A thing that is very normal in any relationship — the “J” thing. Well at least for the girls. I never expected that it was happening with you guys. I mean, I’m such a sexist. Sorry for that. But that’s adorable.

And so I asked you. I decided to begin with a confirmation if you two really had a fight. You said maybe yes, maybe not. You told me that you think he’s no longer your best friend. You told me that it was nicer to be independent. I replied it with a question,

“Bakit dependent ka ba sa kanya?”

You answered, “Basta, hindi mo ko maiintindihan. Mahirap iexplain.”

It hits me.

That moment, I wanted to tell you that I do. I really do.

The feeling that you used to have someone who knows you every now and then, then all of a sudden, he’s gone. The feeling of being so much alone, you felt that you weren’t belong to anyone and anywhere. The feeling that no matter how much you wanted to get involved, you find it so hard to make a way to. The feeling that the person you expected the most to be around for always is nowhere to be found. He’s with others. You’re alone. You overthink things and it’s killing you. Then he’ll say sorry. You’ll be mad coz it just making you feel worst.

Now tell me, how will I won’t be able to understand you?

These things are not new to me. People come and go. I got myself attached. And then, when they’re leaving, it’ll hurt you like hell.

Remember the night that I sent a group message saying,

“The feeling that you can’t tell anyone coz they might think that this is lame. They might think that I am being pathetic again. They might think that I am overreacting. Well, they don’t know how much pain it caused me. How much tears did I cried. How much sigh did I burst out. They don’t know coz they don’t know the feeling of being left behind.”

I tell you, that’s one of my darkest nights. I felt that there is no one that could understand me. Some people would tell that you’re ego is dominating you. Some people would tell that you’re hard to figure out. But I want you to know that I got you. I told them that they have to understand things. They don’t know how it feels like to be in your shoes.

I know I should have told you these things but I am afraid that you don’t want to hear these from me. We are not that close, that’s why. It so happen that I cared for you.

It may be odd to say but since the day that I’ve learned that you and you’re best friend is not okay, I prayed for you. Somehow I saw myself in you. But when my best friend and I talked about it, I’d realized some things.. Best friends are one of the most amazing people on earth. Sometimes we feel that that they don’t care about us. Sometimes, they seem not to be interested in us. Sometimes they’ll choose to make a step away. Sometimes they’ll make friends with others. But it doesn’t mean that they’ll be away for good. They were always here. Beside us. Waiting for us to talk. Waiting for us to say things that keep on running in our minds. We should believe that they’ll stay. We should believe that they’ll never leave us. We should believe in our best friends for they are unexceptionally understanding. Like waht i have told Hazel, “It’s all in the mind..”

I don’t know if you would be able to read this but I hope you would. I was beyond happy that you and you’re bestfriend were finally okay. You have talked and fixed everything. I know how it feels like reconciling with your best friend and it seems like your relationship with each other becomes stronger. It was an answered prayer indeed.

So, whenever you feel these things again someday, let me tell you that do not tolerate that feeling. Talk to him and settle things.

Letters To No One

“Pwede ba kitang i-hug?”

Saturday.

I arrived at home from school around 7:30 pm. Few minutes after, my sister came. She told me that Dale borrowed a mobile Wi-Fi from our church mate so that she could finish doing her assignments, projects and everything. Then, I decided to come to their house and spent the night there. Not just because I would afford to have an internet connection but also I wanted to see her, I miss her though. I just remember what my sister told me, “Matutuwa si Dale pag dun ka natulog.”

Before I could step into their house, I saw her coming from somewhere. “Bakit?” – the first thing she told me when she saw me. “Nakakaamoy ako ng wi-fi. Haha.” I replied. Then she frowned. I felt that she got irritated. She grimaced. Making faces. She’s telling something. She doesn’t want me to stay there. I was dumbfounded. But then, I tried my best not to look like I wasn’t expecting it. I look straight, then I told her, “Hindi naman ako manggugulo.” I felt my eyes starts to water. I faced my back to her before tears filled my eyes. Part of me wanted to just flee away and went home. But part of me wanted to stay. I don’t want my night to ruin. Thinking that this night might not work but it doesn’t matter as long as she won’t know that somehow I felt sad.

I was close to go upstairs when she told me to stop. “Dito ka muna.”,she said. So, I stopped. I faced her. Then she started crying. I tried my very best not to cry too. I asked her why. She told me she didn’t know. She’s sad. Maybe because she’s sort of stressed regarding school matters. “Sorry. Sorry, kasi baka feeling mo ayaw kita dito. Sorry naging ganun reaksyon ko. Kasi, bakit ngayon pa? Minsan nga lang kita makasama tapos hindi ko pa ma-eenjoy kasi madami akong gagawin.” Then, I cried. I couldn’t speak. Minutes ago, I told myself that I don’t want to tell her that I got disappointed by her reaction coz I don’t want her to feel sad and feel guilty about it. But I told her anyway. “Sabi pa naman ni Gladys matutuwa ka daw nandito ako tapos, ganun.” Telling those words to her was way too hard coz i am crying and I’m trying to compose myself. We just stared with each other and cried. It was magical. Lol.Crying at the end of the stairs.

“Tara, akyat na tayo.” I told her.

“Pwede ba kitang i-hug?”

 

 

 

Then I hug her tight.

Letters To No One

Before I Die

We never know when we will die. I mean, no one knows. Really. But the truth is, there are many things in this world that I wanted to do, I wanted to have and I wanted to become before I die. And I want you to know some of them..

13. Learn how to ride a bike; I envy my friends for they really good on it. I pity myself for having such a boring childhood back then. Haha. I remember when I was little, I told my mom that if I got an honor on school, she have to buy me a bike so that I could learn how to ride on it. Gratefully, I got an honor, but unfortunately, I haven’t got my bike. Until now, at this very moment that I am writing this, I still want to have my own bike.

12. Learn how to swim; I once told myself that if I would learn how to swim, I will survive. Yes, I consider this as a necessity. My imaginations has been haunting me that what if, I’m on a ship, and suddenly it sank, what will happen to me if I didn’t know how to swim? And what if, a tragedy happens, a Tsunami.. How am I going to survive if I wasn’t capable of holding my breath under the sea? So, whenever there are chances that I know I would be able to learn how to swim, I am taking it. Once and for all, I want to survive from whatever that might happen in the future.

11. Go hiking with my friends and church mates; I bond most of my time with my friends and church mates, but sad to say that hiking wasn’t included in all those times. I have slept with them. Camp with them. Travel with them. Swim with them. Watch movie with them. Sing with them. Eat with them. Laugh with them. Cry with them. Know Jesus with them. Almost everything! And there’s one thing I wanted the most right now—I want to go hiking with them!

10. Learn how to play guitar, piano, violin and drums; I admire people who know how to play all these things. I mean, it’s not necessary all in one person. And I wanted to be someone that I admire the most. Well, I know how to play guitar but wasn’t enough for me to consider it great. I know one piece playing piano. And let me tell you this, I have a long-time crush ever who was a genius in playing violin. And it was the cutest side of him that I adore. Haha. And, lastly, I think playing drums would be cool! Haha.

9. Be a member of an all-girls band!; Oha! Obviously, I am so much in love with music. I love singing. Enough that I can see myself singing in front of many people with my own band. I could be the vocalist, the guitarist or the drummer! Yea. I’m excited thinking about it. Haha. Awesome, right?

8. Travel around the world; I want to explore. I want to go in different places such as London, for I want to be in the same place where Zayn, Liam, Louis and Harry began. I love Niall big-time that’s why I want to go to Ireland as well! Pennsylvania and Nashville, where Taylor Swift used to live in many years of her life. I want to go to China and visit the Great Wall. Take a picture with myself in Eiffel Tower in Paris. Israel, where God’s chosen people lived thousands of years ago. Korea, Australia, Japan, Singapore, Thailand, Italy and so many others. But most likely, before anywhere else in this world, I want to enjoy first the beauty of my mother land—Philippines!

7. Meet the best five lads in the world—One Direction!; You can tell it with yourself that I am a Directioner! I love them until now for more than a year. Their songs, their voices, their looks, their personalities, their brotherly love with each other, everything about them are adorable! I love each one of them differently. I mean, if you ask me whom I love the most among them, I won’t give you an answer for I love them all. I love them individually. You might call it odd, but I really do include them in my prayers. I guess, meeting them in person would be one of the amazing things that could ever in my life.

6. Meet the drop-dead gorgeous lady—Taylor Swift!; Just like with One Direction, my love for Tay is unexplainable. But I can say that I am a Swiftie more than a Directioner. A fact can prove it that whenever there’s a fan-voted awards that both of them were nominated, I would choose to vote for Tay. Haha. I love her for being so real. For somehow her songs speak for what I’m feeling. She knew the words. Really. That’s why whenever people are mocking her, calling her names, I can’t help but get hurt also. Whenever some Directioners send hates to her, I am one of the first person that gets affected. (and vice versa). I feel that she’s a friend. Though, we’re miles away, it doesn’t change the fact that I love her. That’s the very reason why I want to meet her, hug her, watch her concert live and have a picture with her. Haha

5. Get a house and earn a living for my parents; I think the main reason why most of us went to school, study well, and work so hard is to become ‘someone’ in their family. Most of us wanted to have something to give with our parents someday. Since I was a child, we’re always like moving to one place to another. Renting a small house that would be enough with a family with eight children. And I guess, I have told it to myself a hundred times that when I grow up, I will buy them a house so that there’s no need for us to rent.

4. Become a Certified Public Accountant; Every Accounting students dreamt of being a CPA. This would be the peak of our success. I can’t wait for the day that I will see my name in a list of the CPA board passers. I love accounting. It’s just that, sometimes I am very much encourage to study but most of the times, negative thoughts been chasing me. The fear that I wouldn’t be able to make it. Well, who knows what might happen in the future?

3. Find my true love, get married and have my own family; I am 19 years old. No boyfriend since birth. What on earth am I thinking of these things, when I don’t even have a boyfriend? I hardly believe that there’s really someone who were born for me. I mean, it sounds cheesy, but I am a great believer of a-relationship-in-God’s-appointed-time. I do have a crush.. well, you might call it close to “love”, but I know, God has a better plan for me more than I had for myself. That even if that certain person won’t love me the same way I did to him, I won’t mind, for I know, my story is not for me to predict, not for me command. My fate is not in my hand. My love story is not written by me, it is written by God. Someday, I will bump into someone I know or someone I didn’t, look into each other’s eyes, and then boom! The next thing I would know is we’re getting married. Haha. Exactly, God really does in mysterious way.

2. Drew my loved-ones unto Jesus’ feet; The probability that you have read my previous blogs, you would know how desperate I am to have my family worship God altogether in Sabbath. My parents are Catholic. One of my greatest dreams in life is to be an instrument of Christ for them to be closer to Him. I want to witness a miracle through them. Every night, I always include them in my prayers. I will constantly do it until the word “prayer” doesn’t exist anymore.

1. Lastly, I want to have a heart that only seeks Jesus; I have been unfocused. I have been distracted. I have been blinded by the worldly pleasure. I am a sinner. I’ve always wanted that kind of conviction in my heart where the only thing that I would be longing to do is to seek Jesus. God loves me so much that He would do everything to me. That He would give His only Son for my salvation. And I want to have that kind of love in my heart.

Death is not really what I am feared of. I am more afraid of not doing things that I should have done before I die. With no regrets at all.

P.S.
And if you have patiently read all of these, thanks to you. And maybe, I think, you could help me in accomplishing all of them.

Letters To No One

Happy Mother’s Day! ♥

Mama! ♥

Carried me in her womb for nine months and continuously taking care of me for more than nineteen years—-Mama.

I will forever be thankful to God for giving me a privilege of being her daughter. I admire her a lot. For her perseverance, her determination and for loving me and my other seven siblings unconditionally.

The Bible points out that parents are the stewards of God on His sons and daughters. In the book of proverbs, it says..
“Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

My mother was excellent in referring to this verse.. She may not be the perfect mother. She may not be the ideal mother. She may not be the kind of mother that you can watch and read in all the dramas.. But ‘ideal’ is ‘ideal’, I could say that my mother is more of ‘real’.

She commits mistakes. She cries. She gets tired. She nags. She punishes. She demands. She screams. She gets angry. But in all of that, I am proud to say that she never gives up.

When she felt like she’s close to giving up, she’ll pray.

Yes. She doesn’t have the same religion as mine. But there’s no big deal with that. I’d learned how to respects each other’s religion because of her.

Our house is not just a house. It’s a home. We don’t have a perfect mother-daughter relationship but I know by heart that we love each other so much.

Words are not enough how much I treasure her as a mother. Whenever I am afraid, next to God, she’s the one that I am calling. For I know, she will be the one who’ll never think-twice in helping. In showing her love. In taking care of me.

It might be odd, but I seldom can say to her those three words but obviously as I write this one, what I am feeling now is beyond those three words.

I know some time, some day.. It will happen that you will read this Mama. Just like what Taylor’s song ‘The Best Day’ said..

“Now I know why all the trees change in the fall. I know you were on my side even when I was wrong. And I love you for giving me your eye. Staying back and watching me shine and I didn’t know if you knew so I’m taking this chance to say, that I had the best day with you today.”