Agony

“Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt. Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.”

As much as I wanted to tell you these things, I would rather not to. First, I don’t wanna be a burden to you anymore. I don’t want you to feel guilty. I don’t want to see you crying. I know you’re carrying too many things nowadays and I don’t wanna be like them. Like them that makes you sad.. Second is, I don’t think I could trust you anymore.. I don’t think I could still have that confidence in you like I used to have during those days that I was so sure that I am your best friend, that I was very certain that you are trusting me like I do.

 

You know what’s hard? I can’t cry.. I can’t cry when all that I wanted to do is to cry. From the very moment you spill the news to me, I could feel my heart frozen. I don’t know how to react but still I have managed to make you feel, others feel that everything’s okay. But it wasn’t because I’m not. I thought of Regine.. I want to be with her, cry and just forget the world. I swear I am craving for her hug that day, the next day, the next next day after that day.. And I still do today.

 

Whenever I am with the group, I acted happy. Of course I am happy. I tell you, those laughs were true. But my mind keeps on taunting me about those two months. THOSE TWO FREAKING MONTHS!! There were times, I am asking myself, if I didn’t asked you out that Friday, will you tell me? I keep reminding myself and recalling what I was doing during those times? Am I too busy? Am I too preoccupied? Am I? That it came to a point that you never said a single word? Is it that hard to trust me? Is it?You might tell me that you are just afraid that I might accidently tell it to others. But have you not thought that doubting is a manifestation of not having trust at all?

 

I told Gladys that I feel like I am Reid and you’re Jennifer of Criminal Minds. Like her, you don’t have the decency of telling me the truth. Like Reid, what you did broke me.

 

I tried to understand you. I never ask. I never did because I know that you would just tell me eventually. I never pressure you because I know people around you keep on doing that. I never forced you because I know you trust me enough to tell me about it first. I didn’t do anything but it doesn’t mean that I do not want to.

“Best friends won’t keep secrets.” “Best friends are meant to be forever.” “Best friends never hide.”—I don’t understand if it’s me or just my definition of ‘best friend’ but this happening taught me so well. It made me realized that maybe, we’re close but we aren’t best friends.

 

We used to, we weren’t now.

 

P.S.

And now, I don’t know if I could just let you read this. I’m afraid that others might know about this. You might let them read this as well. I can’t handle another disappointment.