I’ve been through a lot of times where I would just found myself in a deep thought.. in an-almost-crying face. I want to scream, to be angry, to stay angry, to curse and to stop myself from breathing. As if breathing means slowly killing myself. As what I always telling myself, “Cry and forget the world.” That’s what I wanna do, to cry. But I can’t..
And now, I am stranded with those lot-of-times.
My family, we, are currently living in one of the darkest times of our lives. The electricity has been cut for ages, the water supply is off also, we haven’t paid the house rental in who-knows-how-many-months, and my parents’ long list of debts seems endless. Even last holiday, we clearly see that there is no one that we could count on. Everybody seems so distant, so cold.
“Pakiramdam ko, walang nakakaintindi sa’ten.”, my sister once told me. The exact same thing that keeps on repeating in my mind. I don’t know, but every single day makes me not wanting to trust people. I am too afraid to see the doubts on their faces, I am too afraid of being neglected.
I am sulking every night thinking about all these things. I don’t want to see my parents hurting. I want this to end. I want us to be okay..
I want me to be okay.