Christian Life

He is ALWAYS.

Why do good people always have to suffer? And the bad guys are laying on the bed of prosperity? Didn’t the good ones deserve a good life? But why did they always have to be the one who’s crying?

When my sister was diagnosed of a stage four Rectal Cancer, my whole world crashed. I can’t concentrate on my review. I can’t think straight. There were mornings that I would just realized that I have fallen asleep last night crying. I bargained almost everything, telling Him that I would do everything for her to be okay. That it will be fine with me if I won’t get pass on board exam if it would cost my sister’s recovery.

I cannot understand why a 19- year old girl have to fight a battle like this. She’s a caring  sister, a responsible daughter, a faithful friend and a hardworking student. In fact, she’s on her fourth year in uni this coming school year.

As for her.. her dreams were set. We have great plans together. We want to help our family the moment we finished school and find a good job. And most of all, we both have a burning desire to serve Him. In church, as a head of Children Ministry, she have spent some of her time searching and thinking of a good activity that would draw the children closer to God.. And yet..

Sometimes I would just look at someone who’s the same age as her, and I would tell myself, why does my sister have to suffer like that? Why can’t she be a normal teenager like them?

I refrain myself from questioning Him. There are times that I just wanted to throw all the blame on Him and ask, “Why do these things happen to us? Why did He let my sister to be sick?”

But no. Who am I to ask? And no, He don’t deserve the blame, and I think He never did and He never will.

My best cousin once told me, “Ang ulan, bumubuhos sa lahat. Walang pinipili. Maganda man ang dulot ng ulan o trahedya. Lahat nababasa.”

That hit me.

God never sent me trials because I am bad and God never gave me blessings because I am good. It does not matter whether you did something good or not. Or whether you always go to church, not even when you help others or not. It is not the basis. And it never have been. Either way, He is letting those things happen because He loves me.

He loves me and He want me to be a living testimony of His greatness. He wants me to know and feel His presence. That He is the only One who would give me strenght.. that He is always beside me, and He will never leave nor forsake me.

He is working  miracles through me.. through my sister..

Through us..

Sometimes, we tend to doubt His promises, we doubt His will, His power. We doubt Him. But amidst all the doubts, He always make a way knock the doors of our hearts. He would always make a way for us to know that these are not battles to be conquered by ourselves alone. God is with us. Forever.

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Letters To No One

Everything I Didn’t Say

I’ve been through a lot of times where I would just found myself in a deep thought.. in an-almost-crying face. I want to scream, to be angry, to stay angry, to curse and to stop myself from breathing. As if breathing means slowly killing myself. As what I always telling myself, “Cry and forget the world.” That’s what I wanna do, to cry. But I can’t..

And now, I am stranded with those lot-of-times.

My family, we, are currently living in one of the darkest times of our lives. The electricity has been cut for ages, the water supply is off also, we haven’t paid the house rental in who-knows-how-many-months, and my parents’ long list of debts seems endless. Even last holiday, we clearly see that there is no one that we could count on. Everybody seems so distant, so cold.

“Pakiramdam ko, walang nakakaintindi sa’ten.”, my sister once told me. The exact same thing that keeps on repeating in my mind. I don’t know, but every single day makes me not wanting to trust people. I am too afraid to see the doubts on their faces, I am too afraid of being neglected.

I am sulking every night thinking about all these things. I don’t want to see my parents hurting. I want this to end. I want us to be okay..

I want me to be okay.

Uncategorized

To My Favorite Guy

THE FEELS! ❤

Love Letters of Peach

Once I had a dream that I was getting married. But even in my dream, I knew everything was untrue. I swore to remember the face of my groom…

But I didn’t.

Meeting you made me believe with koi no yokan, the feeling of having a chance that we would end up together. I told no one, and I immediately shrugged the thought away. It seemed pathetic and hopeless that you, a quiet individual who was addicted to anatomy would fall in love with me, a hopeless romantic who wanted to know the beginning of everything but didn’t do something about it.

After two semesters, you did.

During the fights that we had been through, I thought our relationship would not last. I would close my eyes and remember how I threw my Christmas gift to your face, rode a jeepney and gave you up. What made me gave

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Agony

“Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt. Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.”

As much as I wanted to tell you these things, I would rather not to. First, I don’t wanna be a burden to you anymore. I don’t want you to feel guilty. I don’t want to see you crying. I know you’re carrying too many things nowadays and I don’t wanna be like them. Like them that makes you sad.. Second is, I don’t think I could trust you anymore.. I don’t think I could still have that confidence in you like I used to have during those days that I was so sure that I am your best friend, that I was very certain that you are trusting me like I do.

 

You know what’s hard? I can’t cry.. I can’t cry when all that I wanted to do is to cry. From the very moment you spill the news to me, I could feel my heart frozen. I don’t know how to react but still I have managed to make you feel, others feel that everything’s okay. But it wasn’t because I’m not. I thought of Regine.. I want to be with her, cry and just forget the world. I swear I am craving for her hug that day, the next day, the next next day after that day.. And I still do today.

 

Whenever I am with the group, I acted happy. Of course I am happy. I tell you, those laughs were true. But my mind keeps on taunting me about those two months. THOSE TWO FREAKING MONTHS!! There were times, I am asking myself, if I didn’t asked you out that Friday, will you tell me? I keep reminding myself and recalling what I was doing during those times? Am I too busy? Am I too preoccupied? Am I? That it came to a point that you never said a single word? Is it that hard to trust me? Is it?You might tell me that you are just afraid that I might accidently tell it to others. But have you not thought that doubting is a manifestation of not having trust at all?

 

I told Gladys that I feel like I am Reid and you’re Jennifer of Criminal Minds. Like her, you don’t have the decency of telling me the truth. Like Reid, what you did broke me.

 

I tried to understand you. I never ask. I never did because I know that you would just tell me eventually. I never pressure you because I know people around you keep on doing that. I never forced you because I know you trust me enough to tell me about it first. I didn’t do anything but it doesn’t mean that I do not want to.

“Best friends won’t keep secrets.” “Best friends are meant to be forever.” “Best friends never hide.”—I don’t understand if it’s me or just my definition of ‘best friend’ but this happening taught me so well. It made me realized that maybe, we’re close but we aren’t best friends.

 

We used to, we weren’t now.

 

P.S.

And now, I don’t know if I could just let you read this. I’m afraid that others might know about this. You might let them read this as well. I can’t handle another disappointment.

Christian Life

My Faith Did

And so I take the qualifying examination..

My previous blog post will tell you how devastated I am and torn at the same time between giving up and pursuing my dreams and become a CPA. I tell you how crucial it is to pass the said examination that the idea of not taking it bothers me. I am afraid that I would not be able to make it.

The examination went on last February 8 and 15..

Whenever the questionnaires fell on my hands, I’ll write my name, take a glance over the first page, close my eyes then I’ll pray.

I asked for His guidance and wisdom. I asked Him to remind me all the lessons that I have learned and blessed me. I told Him that I would not be able to answer those if I’ll just rely on my own efforts. I told Him that if it’s really for me, so be it. That if it is His will, so be it.

I even told my friends that it will only be miracle if I will be able pass it, because I wasn’t really prepared. The first week, I only read Business Law and Practical Accounting 1. And on the 2nd week, ¼ of MAS is what I have only reviewed. I swear to God, my chances of passing were just like a mustard seed.

And then February 17 happened..

I remember how my best friend Regine got nervous. How she sigh heavily every minute that day. How I told her to stay calm coz I am very sure that she made it. And how I was just so cool, laughing and throwing jokes with my friends that day. I wasn’t really expecting anything. But at least I am praying..

“Pumasa tayo, Gine?! Pumasa tayo!!!”, I told her when I confirmed that I was really in. I was literally jumping and rejoicing that I can’t help but cry. Tears of joy. Out of 84 examinees, I made it to be on the Top 30. I hug her and still hug her tight. I just can’t really believe that I made it. God made it for me!

Result of the Qualifying Examination for 5th year BS Accountancy, 2014. See my name on #20! :)
See my name on #20! 🙂

I am so much overwhelmed how God loves me this much. That even how sinful I am. Even though I neglected Him at times. I haven’t been to church for two consecutive Sabbaths. I haven’t been praying constantly for like forever. He loves me still that even though how I didn’t deserve His love, His blessings.. Still He gave me those unconditionally. No words could express how thankful I am to Him for giving me this! I just realized how powerful prayer is.

Sometimes, you just have to have faith. Err, no. You have to HAVE faith. Faith in God. Faith in His power. Faith in His blessings. Faith in His grace. Faith in His love..

 

I tell you my friends, I didn’t really passed the exam..

 

 

 

 

My faith did..

Tongue-tied

When I said, “Hi”

Memories with you start flashing;
How the class went on and beside me, you’re sitting.
I guess, everything began the day I said, “Hi”
And you just nod and answer it with a smile.

The next day, we became partners.
We spent a lot of time and get to know each other.
In an activity that we are both assigned;
Starting to have this feeling I could not define.

That’s when I told you about my past;
Thought that my previous love was precious yet it only rust.
How much he hurt me and then left me broken,
I just can’t help but cry coz it’s badly aching.

And then you told me that I didn’t deserved that.
That guy, this pain—those things that I rant.
“You should be happy”, that’s what you said;
You cheer me up and never leave me until I finally can.

And when insecurity is swallowing me,
You’ll whisper in my ear and say, “You’re pretty”
I smile as those words make me shiver;
My cheeks heat up as if I’m having a fever.

I know back then that I am falling for you,
But I am too afraid coz you might not feeling the same too.
I swear, I thought I would have a heart attack,
When you told me you love me; I was so shocked!

Everyday seems like forever when I was in your arms,
I tell you I love you and totally hooked by your charms.
We sing, dance and we laugh and cry;
I want you for a lifetime, I hope you don’t mind.

Inspired by Jessamine Anne Verzosa and James Peter Arellano’s Love Story  🙂